A  few months ago I was offered a truly plum gig – covering the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. First-class airfare, luxury hotel, top-tier event passes – the whole shebang on someone else’s dime. However, after considerable thought, I declined the job. While sports are supposed to be unpolitical – just blood, sweat, and tears in the name of fair and righteous competition – I have a huge problem with China’s stance on innumerable pressing issues, most importantly human rights. Far be it from me to tell President Hoo Flung Poo or whatever the hell his name is how to run his country, but c’mon man, lighten up. Cut your people some slack. Don’t steal babies from their parents at birth and place them in athlete factory training programs. Don’t resort to clubbing tens of thousands of beloved and healthy family pets to death just because of a small rabies outbreak in some distant province. Don’t routinely lock up and torture so-called dissidents simply because they have differing opinions about governmental interference. And don’t even get me started about Tibet and Sudan. But after seeing all that transpired during the Games and the innumerable amazing moments that occurred, I honestly wish I would have shelved my morality and pride for sixteen days and accepted the damn assignment.

Ahh, but you can’t go back in time – at least not yet. Fortunately, a very close friend of mine who also happens to be a literary mercenary did make the trip to the Far East and shared with me many of his favorite moments. There was the incomparable Michael Phelps winning eight gold medals; the fl ash-like Usain Bolt and his three world records; the Redeem Team’s reclamation of the world basketball crown; the tragedy and triumph associated with the American men’s volleyball team; and so many more. Then, he filled me in on some cool happenings that journalists did not cover, most notably the crazy high-stakes poker games taking place around the clock in Macau casinos. Hopefully, I’ll get the opportunity to check them out first-hand in the very near future. I keep pestering my editor, Matt Parvis, about sending me out there on an all-expenses-paid fact-finding mission but he has yet to give the thumbs-up.

But the poker wasn’t the only action Jackson Kincade brought me up to speed on. It turns out there’s a special event every four years directly prior to the Olympic Games. The International Olympic Committee holds a week-long open trial for the consideration of new events. To demonstrate their potential – for competitors and spectators alike – they invite athletes from around the world, athletes that failed to make their nations’ Olympic teams. Now, before
I go any further, please know that when Jackson first told me about this happening, I was extremely skeptical. It just sounded so far-fetched, so ridiculous. And some of the new events are – in a word – ludicrous. In fact, they’re stranger than an extraterrestrial doing Tom Jones karaoke, and that’s putting it mildly. But Jackson has always been straight with me before. Hearsay or not, when he speaks, it’s the gospel. So, without further adieu, here they are:

Wok, Paper, Scissors
An Asian variant of the highly popular American Rochambeau (or Roshambo), this version adds a little spiciness into the mix by allowing competitors to beat their opponents with any of the aforementioned items. While the scissors can be extremely effective in close-quarters encounters, those getting in the first strike with the wok usually won. The judging panel was split down the middle on whether or not this event would be added to the 2012 Games. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Moo-Shoo-ting
All you animal rights activists don’t get your pleather panties in a bunch. This event has nothing to do with taking potshots at defenseless cows. It involves a nylon disc, similar to a Frisbee, but smaller and softer, capable of being eaten at the end of a match. Most soccer rules apply, except for the obvious use of hands. A unanimous hit, expect this sport to be the wave of the future.

Freestyle Dwarf Throwing
The ICOL (International Coalition of Leprechauns) immediately filed a grievance when they learned this event was being considered for future Olympic inclusion. Subsequently, Ireland threatened a complete boycott of the 2008 Summer Games unless the sport was dropped from the list. Needless to say, the panel unanimously agreed with the ICOL and the trial never even took place.

Russian Roulette
While it is definitely an exciting – if a bit morbid – spectator sport, very few athletes were anxious to participate. Team officials from China, North Korea, and Iraq claimed their athletes were the best in the world and offered to demonstrate their prowess, however the IOC intervened and simply deleted the event from contention. It will be up for review again prior to the 2020 Games.

Guess The Athlete’s Age
While this event clearly favors Romanian Gypsies and any athletes who worked as Carnies prior to their training, China steadfastly protested the new event – even at the trials – citing unfair surprise. Out of respect to the host nation, the event was removed from consideration but not before one potential competitor made accusatory remarks about certain Chinese gymnasts. Amazingly, the written account of that commentary was deleted from all public records within minutes.

Tantric Gymnastics
Designed to be a companion sport to Rhythmic Gymnastics, numerous athletes signed up for the trials but the vast majority could not locate their chakras. When the remaining athletes learned they would be required to “retain their ching” or they’d be disqualified, each and every one of them promptly quit. Thus, Tantric Gymnastics was scratched.

Drunken Epithet Throwing
After his recently ESPN-televised, foul-mouthed performance in the $50k H.O.R.S.E. event, Vietnam was entertaining the idea of sending Scotty Nguyen to be their ambassador. However, when Scotty learned first prize was not money but a gold medal that wasn’t really made of gold, he declared: “No way, baby!”

Live Target Plinking
Slated to take place inside the massive Bird’s Nest stadium during the fifty-kilometer race walk, competitors were supplied with semi-automatic paint guns filled with paintballs bearing their respective nation’s colors. The object was to mark as many walkers as possible with the colors of your homeland’s flag. Problem was, nobody saw fit to notify the extremist Chinese security force that marker guns were going to be used and police marksmen shot and killed more than sixty competitors before the oversight was cleared up. Fearing further complications, the event was immediately scratched.

Underwater Polo
While truly exhilarating for spectators, organisers were unaware that the Madagascar seahorses used by the athletes as mounts were on the International endangered species list. Extremely fragile, more than a dozen of the seahorses died less than ten minutes into the competition from a combination of stress and overexertion. Thus, the trials were canceled. There is a possibility this event could return in 2012, however, using some of the beefier members of the synchronised swimming teams as mounts.

Fortune Cookie Eating
Presided over by four IFCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) superstars – Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, Takeru Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut, and Cookie Jarvis – more than 30,000 fortune cookies were consumed by 100 competitors in fifteen minutes. Incredibly, not one single fortune came true! The judges have asked for another round of trials, this time substituting egg rolls for fortune cookies.

Steroid-Abusing Female Weight Lifters Gone Wild
Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis had promised to be on hand to help the IOC launch this new and exciting event but criminal contempt charges kept him in a Florida jail. Still, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Mongolia looked to be the early favorites and, if their women shave and pass the pre-event sex screening, will probably be unbeatable.

Hurling
The Winter Olympics has curling so the Summer Games decided upon their own brand of oh-so-boring athletic competition. Athletes were required to consume two main dishes from their native land and, at the whistle, regurgitate with force. Distance was the primary focus with style points offered for both splatter and artistic impression. Smocked and goggled judges were good sports throughout the trials but in the end, this event left them feeling empty. It’s anybody’s guess what events will be on the trials list for the 2012 London Games. But rest assured, I’ll be there to witness it personally. After all, life – and the experiences therein – are finite. I want to see as much as possible before my time is through!